Truth Meets Love Page 16
If I didn't already love him I would have after hearing him talk about Jenna and later what he had done for Cody. After Jenna passed he came home from college to spend some time with Cody and Bill, their father. Bill had started drinking pretty regularly when Tralen and Cody were just little. However, once they found out that Jenna had ALS, he barely surfaced from under a whiskey-induced fog. He had always been strictly a beer drinker until Cody came along. Apparently Jenna had left Bill for a time after Tralen was born because of his drinking and all that came along with it. She ended up going back to him and Cody was born less than a year later. He wasn't sure if she came back because she couldn't support two kids on her own; one was hard enough. Tralen felt some guilt at that assumption and his presence causing such hard decisions for his Mother. Jenna had "faced so much alone," he repeated a few times throughout his recounting of his most closely-guarded memories.
He was worried about Cody and Jenna and what they had endured in life. When he speaks about the losses and the sources of pride it is them he references. He barely mentions the "rock star" status that Cody had proudly shared with me that Tralen's skills and notoriety had earned him from eighth grade on. Cody has recounted the events to me regarding Tralen's success so early in life. He said Tralen had 32 points in a championship junior high tournament and scored the last basket with only three seconds left in the game to clinch the championship. When Tralen speaks about his past and his family, many of the stories of success or pride are about them not himself. He had given up his college basketball scholarship after playing only a year. He had worked so hard to earn it and then had to let it all go. Cody said Tralen would shoot and practice on the hoop Jenna made Bill put up outside the shop. He said rain or shine Tralen would scoop shovel or sweep and use the outside yard lights at night to practice and work on his shot and ball handling. He gave it up because Cody needed him and he did everything he could to make sure Cody had the means to have a better chance at the life he deserved--the life Jenna would have made sure he got a chance to have if she was still here.
Outside of Tyler and Evan from Home Depot, I have had very few interactions in life with the kind of 19-year-old boy that would make the decision to drop his chance to find his own dreams to make sure his 15-year-old brother is given the chance. In the end I think one of Tralen's best dreams come true is Cody's success with his music. He knew Cody needed him survive and he knew that giving him a chance to use his music to heal and make him see his value and gain some self worth in the process was a dream come true for them both. It was also a dream come true for Jenna, and I had a feeling either her dying wish or Tralen's vow to her at her time of death was just that. He would do whatever he could to make sure Cody gave his dreams a chance. He has tried to give to Cody what Jenna gave them and make sure Cody is given the support she would have shown him if she would have been alive to do it herself. He knew what she had sacrificed for him and for Cody. To him, making sure Cody won in life and making the ultimate sacrifice to get the job done pays respect to her memory.
He remained enrolled at the University of Montana after his scholarship was released. He worked construction and scheduled his classes around his job and raising his 15-year-old brother. Tralen doesn't resent giving it all up because he didn't even give it a second thought. He loved basketball, yes, but the love he has for Cody is unmatched. Even now. I know he loves me and on a much different level, but they share something I will never have with him, starting with the same mother that they both loved so much: a part of them lives on for her, but a part of them both passed when she left them. I can see it in both of their faces when you mention her name or something has happened or been said that reminds them of her.
Had there been any residual doubt about the depth of love we shared because of not really knowing each other that long, that night would have dissipated it all for me. It was more than perfect… it was a dream come true. I had a feeling Tralen was going to be the source of a lot of my future dreams come true and I just hoped I could return the favor…
Chapter TWENTY
Control Issues
Tralen-
I just texted my wife from the conference room where the meeting she was supposed to be was at, but she was on the way to the gynecologist to get a quick fix to my "control problem"… the pull- out method sucks and definitely exposes the weaknesses she creates in me. Therefore the text read:
D: Are you in the stirrups yet, cowgirl? Just heading out; see ya at home. Dinner will be waiting. Love U
It has been about 15 minutes and she hasn't responded yet so she must be in the doctor's office with her cell phone turned off. I can just hear her giggle in my head when she reads it. I smile and head back to my office to get my stuff and then head home to meet my beautiful wife.
I am on dinner duty, she informed me this morning before we left for the office. I don't cook so Thai takeout it is! My homemade recipe book consists of hamburgers or tacos. Cody had gotten so sick of both he had learned to cook so we could widen our variety once he had moved in with me in college. My favorite dishes that he makes for me, by request or for special occasions, are his chicken enchiladas or his prime rib. Once the music gig runs its course maybe his culinary skills could become his retirement plan. I was forced to find a plan B when Cody came to live with me and although we made it work it was still nerve-racking.
I had watched Jenna put herself through school taking night classes when she was pregnant with Cody. Sometimes I would go to class with her and play quietly with my trucks or puzzles if Bill was home drunk or out. She didn't like leaving me in his supervision and he was having a hard time dealing with her newfound independence. She was determined to give us the quality of life he was pissing down his leg with every drink he took and every job he would subsequently lose because of it. Jenna went against Bill's wishes and used the money she had inherited from her parents' estate to put herself through school and become an X-ray technician. She had earned her degree and gotten a job at the hospital just before my fifth birthday. I remember this clearly because that was the birthday she took one of her first paychecks and traded in my garage-sale bike for a BMX racer. It was white with black and had silver flames painted on it. She cried when she saw and heard my reaction. I just ran over to it and stared at it with a big grin and asked her, "Mom, is it really just for me? I promise when Cody is bigger I will share it with him." He was only about four months old at the time and although it was sweet gesture, I knew I had a few years before that statement would really have any real chance of becoming a reality. She worked so hard to make sure our childhood was what she felt we deserved.
Jenna just infused our lives with her positive outlook and showed us with her actions that anything was possible if we set our minds to it. It reminds me of all the accountability Hadley took upon herself to set an example for Shelby and taught her how to believe in herself. It also makes me think about how she used her resources and exemplified such compassion for Dez and Tyler and Macey's future when she invested her savings into purchasing and renovating the four-plex when Dez got sick. The women in my life that have held a piece of my heart would give the last beat of their own to save or help someone they loved. I know I am truly blessed to have been loved by not just one but two extraordinary ladies in my life.
I probably should be slightly ashamed to admit it, but it does ease some of the pressure off to share the role of "provider" to remember who I married. I didn't marry my wife for her money, but I won't lie and try to tell anyone that part of her appeal wasn't her sense of self-assurance and her ability to stand on her own feet. I find comfort in knowing that should anything ever happen to me, she is more than equipped and capable to provide for our children without me. If I hadn't been raised by a mother that shared those same qualities, it probably wouldn't mean as much or hold as much value to me. Hadley doesn't need me for material or financial support, but she needs me to show her truth and love.
I can see how having a self-reliant woman could fuck w
ith some guys' heads. If you misunderstand what your woman needs from you and what your worth really is to her and the value you bring to the table, this concept could be hard to sink in through the multiple layers of male ego and macho insecurities. I involuntarily think back to Ben and how he had almost killed Hadley because of it. It sounds like AJ, even at 16, would have liked to see her silenced and her spirit crushed, too. However, I think it just fueled her fire. She learned to use her strength and her strong will to believe in herself, and she knows what it takes to earn what she's got. Hadley knows her worth and doesn't let anyone intimidate her. When you piss her off, she shoots it straight and she isn't afraid to stand her ground. She is more than capable of taking care of herself. However, it is her nonchalance and the ease with which she carries herself that tell you she has a take charge and roll with the punches kind of attitude. She just does what needs done and faces challenges with grace and determination. Unfortunately, I think those attributes may have come with a pretty high price for her at a very young age. I think she has been through so much that it takes quite a bit to faze her anymore. I want to share some of the burden she has been packing for so long, because I don't think anyone ever has. It sounds like her mother was constantly consumed with keeping herself and Hadley safe and that Hadley never really had much of a childhood at all. I want to give her everything she has never had and ever wanted. She took a chance on me and I am not planning on letting her down. I plan on being the best investment she ever made.
Hadley may make as much as or more money than I do, but that is not what defines her worth or mine. We both know the sacrifices it has taken to live up to your own standards and seek a better life for yourself and those you love. We both know we don't need a lot of money to be happy but we have also both known the struggles life can force without it. We both know and embrace the comforts of financial security because we have both worked so hard to get it and know what lies ahead in the event it is ever lost. However I just realized my father-in-law is loaded and my wife is his only heir. We are going to be rather wealthy people and will need to adjust our compass accordingly. I am her "true north", she always tells me, and it reminds me of the second time I danced with her. It was in her living room during our "first date." The song "Compass" played as I collected on the bet I had won granting me a pass to first base. I remember that I felt her heart pressed to mine and the beats keeping pace in unison as we danced. I spent the entire three and a half minutes getting formally introduced and officially reacquainted with Hadley's perfect, warm, soft, sweet, full lips. I think I knew even then she was made for me and that part where it tells you "let your heart be your guide" rings in mind. I knew my heart wanted to do whatever was needed in life to see that smile on her face and hear that giggle forever.
When I got back to the four-plex and was making my way up the steps to Hadley's unit that I just moved into with her, Emily is coming down the walk in front of the complex. She is Tyler's sister. Her hair is various hues of blonde this time around. Her hair is always a different color, length and style every time I have seen her. She is about 5'6" with a lot of curves. She is beautiful girl and she has dark chocolate-colored, almond-shaped eyes.
She is walking with purpose and has a look of determination on her face as she approaches and says in somewhat of a rush, "Hi Tralen, is Hadley here? I need to speak with her."
"Not yet. She had a doctor's appointment this afternoon. She should be showing up within the hour; do you want to come in and wait?"
"Um, sure, if I wouldn't be interrupting anything or bothering you."
"I wouldn't have invited you in if you bothered me; besides, you are a friend of my wife and that makes you also a friend of mine. Having your company will be a welcome change to hearing all the men I have to listen to all day that just talk to hear their own voices and try to sound intelligent. Just don't ask me how my new job is going, deal?"
"Oh, I think we can fill up the entire hour just talking about Hadley. She isn't here to defend herself anyway, and it is about all we might have in common."
She takes one of the sacks from my arm as I lead the way to the kitchen. We settle into easy conversation about Macey and Emily shares examples of what a dork Tyler was growing up. We are each sipping a beer and Cody calls on my cell. I excuse myself from the conversation, telling Emily it is my brother, and she almost visibly shrinks in her chair and hastily looks away.
What the hell was that about? He better not have embarrassed her with one of his crude come-ons when he was here last. I know they spent some time together.
Hadley-
I am waiting for my nurse and doctor to return to the room and I have just changed into my pointless, homely gown. I grab my phone from my purse and power it on in boredom. I see there is a text from Tralen. It makes me laugh but I don't take the time to answer it. I power it down and decide that I will text him back when I am finished. Just then the doctor knocks at the door and the poking and prodding begins. I restrain my laugh when I put my feet in the "stirrups" and think about Tralen's text. I guess Cowgirl Up is appropriate for this occasion after all. When the female exam is done, I give blood and urine and authorize an STD panel and a pregnancy test. Weird, I know, but I couldn't to save my life remember the date of my last period. Therefore the nurse had me take the test since I haven't recently been on any type of contraceptive and I have had sex in recent weeks. I had never been real sexually active and my periods were short and had always arrived like clockwork, so it's not like I kept track of it too closely. The doctor left and said that unless there were issues with the test results she wouldn't be seeing me again until next time and her nurse would be back with my birth control shot. After that I should plan to be back here in three months to get another shot and a check-in.
I absently think about the night at Shelby's wedding reception and although it was amazing, I am scolding myself for not insisting he put on a condom. He was a stranger and even if I was aware of him pulling out, that wouldn't protect me from any venereal diseases. SHIT! Calm down; nothing I can do about it now. Besides, I am too excited about my new life with Tralen to even worry about it unless I have to.
I am dressed in my clothes and waiting for my nurse to return with my shot and my instructional materials. Tralen will want to know how long it takes the shot to kick in before he doesn't have to pull out anymore. I am about halfway through with my Redbook magazine and my "Are you sexy enough?" quiz. There is a knock and I hear the door swing open. I smile politely and set the magazine down to give the nurse my full attention. When I look up to exchange a mutual greeting I see Dr. Lowen instead of her nurse. I am confused. OH NO…. nothing good comes to mind and the concerns about why she is here and not her nurse and unease start swirling in my mind. I can tell she is bracing herself to share something of importance with me.
She looks at me, takes a seat in her rolling chair as she turns it to face me, and then pauses for a moment before continuing "I wanted to review your test results with you." I try to remain calm but I have a feeling this could be very bad news.
I shouldn't have had sex with that guy! I just knew; that is what this was about--I had contracted something. OH NO! I had probably passed it on to Tralen! OH, NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD AT ALL! How am I going to tell him this? Just then the doctor breaks through my scrambling brain.
"Your tests results for Pap, blood and the STD panel labs and screening will be back in a few days and we will call if there is anything abnormal with any of those screenings. If not, you will receive a notification in the mail just to let you know they were processed and for you to keep for your records in case proof of such tests is ever required."
"Thank you, doctor, you had me worried when you came in instead of your nurse. I assumed there must be a problem."
"I'm sorry, Hadley, I didn't mean to alarm you but I do have something important to discuss with you. Your pregnancy test came back positive."
I immediately rise to a standing position and my purse falls off my lap to
the ground and its contents scatter and then I sit back down quickly and just stare at the mess before I am able to meet Dr. Lowen's eyes and ask, "You're sure?"
My trucker has awakened and is hurling insults silently in my mind at the stupidity of that question… "No, dumbass, doctors love to see this reaction on unsuspecting women and one of their best jokes is to tell a women she is pregnant… when she really isn't."
I am processing the information and she seems to understand that and gives me time for this to settle in. I freeze and realize that there is a very important question that needs answered or my marriage to Tralen could be as short-lived as a celebrity hook-up. I brace myself for the answer, praying she doesn't pick up on the panic in my voice. "How far along am I?"
"That's why I am here. I want to see when you want to schedule a follow-up exam so we can measure and pinpoint a due date. I also wanted to make sure you have these prenatal vitamins--take them with food or they can upset your stomach--and these reading materials. I put it all in the bag for you."
She hands me a plastic bag with a few books and magazines and the pills.
"I would like to do it as soon as possible."
"I understand. I can tell this is a bit of a shock. I am sure you are excited and once it sets awhile it won't feel as overwhelming. Congratulations. Hadley. How about a week from today at 3PM? We will do a vaginal ultrasound so we can hear the baby's heart and predict the conception and estimated due date from the measurements we get."
"That would be great, thank you," I absently say as she stands to leave and hands me the appointment reminder card. I gather myself and my purse and its contents off the floor. Unconsciously, I make my way to my out of the office. Once I am inside the car, I am trying to decide whether to call Tralen. I decide that I can't talk to him right now without breaking down, so I just send a quick response to him instead.