Truth Meets Love Page 17

  H: On my way; I love you always.

  I want to cry but that is not what big girls do, and this one needs to pull on her big girl panties because she is going to be somebody's mother! It happens anyway… I feel a tear start roll down my cheek when the nightmare that is working in my brain finally makes its way to the front of my mind. What if the baby isn't Tralen's? It could belong to mystery sex goatee dude I "danced" with in the hallway… I begin to weep uncontrollably as the uncertainty and anxiety set in. I know I have to tell Tralen, but how? Should I wait until after the ultrasound? He should be there, assuming it is his. He's my husband. I can't believe this is what is going to be flooding my mind for another week, until I know for sure it is his. I should tell him. How can I not tell him?

  Just then he calls. I let it ring three times before I feel composed enough to answer. He is distracted and doesn't seem to notice my distance. He just asks me to stop and pick Cody up on my way home if I don't mind. I almost welcome the idea with open arms… I need some time to think and get a handle on my emotions so I can figure out how I am going to tell Tralen. I can't tell him on the phone, so I don't say much and I end the call as I quickly can and give my confirmation in the form of "Sure, I can pick Cody up. It's not a problem. I love you; see ya soon" and hang up before he can really even respond.

  The reality of actually being pregnant hasn't sunk in yet. However, the thought of being a single mother has and will unwittingly be here to stick around until I know for sure what date this baby was conceived.

  Chapter TWENTY ONE

  Say Uncle

  Tralen-

  BlackWater had their last show of their tour last night in Seattle. Cody was stoked to play in the same bar where Nirvana came to life. He is at the airport waiting to get his luggage and wants a lift. He leaves his pickup in my garage when he is on tour because he travels with the band and doesn't need it. I just called Hadley to ask her to swing by and pick him up since she is going right by there on her way home. She had sent a text right when Cody hung up, so the timing was perfect.

  She sounded a little lost and distant… I am such an ass I didn't even ask her how the appointment went. I am not sure what all rituals are performed at the OB/GYN, but it is a doctor all the same. If all they do is inspect her vagina and tell her it all looks good I could have done that. I will make it up to her when she gets home.

  As I am getting plates from the cupboard, I am wondering how long the birth control takes to kick in. Emily is still at the counter peeling the label from her bottle and looking lost. I think she really needs to talk to Hadley about something important. She must have something major on her mind. She almost looked like she might cry as I briefly told Hadley about Cody being here and needing a ride.

  I am going to ask Cody how well he actually knows Emily. She is a sweet, beautiful girl and as much as I love my brother, she is way too good for him and he will break her heart--if he hasn't already. I shouldn't say that she is too good for him. She is just too good for his current use of beautiful young women at this stage in his life. I was hoping he would outgrow all the random antics with all the ladies, but the frequency and volume of the random antics seems to be growing. I have never seen Cody in private or in any social setting of any kind with the same female company twice. I have seen him with more than one woman at a time, but never the same one or even one of the same multiples. In my opinion, if it takes more than one woman to get you off there has to be one of two potential issues occurring. Either she is the wrong one or one of you is doing it wrong. I guess it could also be a combination of the two, as well.

  I was also keeping a prayer that he would eventually meet the one for him in his quest. However, I fear that he would refuse to see her right now anyway, and push on to the next easy ride. A pattern was forming and sooner or later it was going to just become his norm if he didn't choose to change his ways and realize that a more meaningful relationship is probably exactly what he needs and probably even deep down what he wants. He just doesn't think he deserves it.

  Fucking Bill…

  Hadley-

  Cody is on the phone with some girl and her high-pitched voice is shrilling so badly in his ear he is holding the phone away from his head as I drive. She must be at a party and she thinks she has to yell or something. Her voice is very annoying.

  He must agree because he cuts her off and says "Yeah, not tonight. I am hanging out with my brother… no, he's married now. I know, it just happened. His wife Hadley? Uh… she's OK. Not a bad body, kind of smart, got a big mouth though, and you should see her put away strawberry cheesecake ice cream. Once she settles in the comforts of marriage, she'll probably be well over 200 pounds before their first anniversary."

  He must feel my mood and is trying to be funny by getting a jab at me to cheer me up. It only reminds me of how many are probably waiting in the wings to soar in and snatch up my future ex-husband like small prey once I am out of the picture.

  I murmur, "Hah, just wait!" more to myself. I will probably be as big as a house. I am about 5'8" and the doctor's office today had my weight currently at a healthy 135… I bet I get to 200 easy. I am an overachiever, I have been told.

  I start to think about the baby and how much I want Tralen to be his dad--not for me but for that baby. He would be an amazing father. Macey loves him and Shilo and all of her friends adore him as their coach. When I realize that Cody is off the phone and just turned and is staring at me, I blink and try to think of something clever to say. It is just then I realize I left the bag of shit the doctor gave me sitting on the floor of the passenger side and he is holding a bottle of pre-natal vitamins in his hands.

  I know I look guilty when he realizes I see what he is holding and a huge grin pulls up in the lopsided "oh, I can't wait" face before he says, "Am I going to be an uncle?"

  I blurt out, "I don't know" and then just try to hold back big, delayed gasps and sobs and automatically pull off into the Starbuck's and head for the drive-thru. I don't look at Cody because I am not sure what I am going to see there.

  "I need a Venti triple shot. NO, wait! Make it just a double," I blubber out to the drive-thru lady. I risk a look over and he is perplexed and in thought as he looks me in the eyes when I say, "Do you want anything?" as steady as I can.

  We get our coffees and he hands me a $20 bill from his pocket. I don't argue. I hand him back his change and drive to the park just a few blocks up from our house. I stop and park the car but leave it running.

  I know Cody and Tralen are close. I know I am going to have to tell Tralen and he will tell Cody anyway. Maybe if I tell Cody, it will help me gauge Tralen's reaction. He knows Tralen much better than I do in a lot of ways.

  This is important; my whole future and this baby's depend on it. I tell him what happened with the guy in hallway at Shelby's reception and how much agony I am in after finding out today that I am pregnant. I repeat about 10 times that I didn't even know Tralen then and I would never betray him. I round out my emotional purge by explaining the significance of the ultrasound next week.

  Cody just listened and squeezed my clasped hands.

  Finally I answer his earlier question. "So to answer your question, I HOPE TO HELL YOU ARE GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!"

  He just nods while saying, "Me too," and he has a haunted expression on his face. I am sure he is thinking about Tralen and what this news could do to him, because there is really no easy way to say it.

  I want his advice, though, on how to tell Tralen and when. Do I wait until next week when the date of conception is more conclusive or tell him now?

  "I don't know when and how to tell Tralen but I know I need to soon." I reach for my coffee in my lap and take a drink.

  He thinks about it a minute and says rather matter-of-factly and with what I swear were pools forming in his eyes, "I would wait until after you know for sure. Tralen is going to take that news pretty hard, and I wouldn't even put him through it if it can be avoided all together."

  He so
unds so mature… I almost expected a joke but I guess he doesn't take his brother's happiness lightly. I know telling him and having someone to talk to that cares about Tralen as much as I do helps somehow.

  I don't feel quite so alone. I don't feel worth a shit still, but the shit is not quite as high as it felt before.

  Tralen-

  When Cody and Hadley walk in, he has his arm around her shoulders. When she sees me standing in the kitchen after I watch Cody give her a nod and smile, she shrugs out of her coat and sets her purse on the floor. She takes a deep breath, looks up like she was praying and then turns and moves cautiously toward me. When I catch her eyes I raise my eyebrows in question because something is definitely up with her. I know she'll tell me when she's ready but the look on her face and the way she won't hold my eyes as she continues toward me is heart-wrenching. I don't like to see her like this. I just wrap her in my arms and give her a big long squeeze as I whisper just loud enough for her and then kiss her temple, "Are you okay, Hadley-Made?"

  She lets out a weak giggle and squeezes me back. "I am better now. I love you so much!"

  The way she says that makes my pulse quicken. It was almost like she was trying to apologize for something.

  I trust her. We have been through so much already together. If it is important and she thinks I should know, she'll tell me in her own time. I will try to be patient and see if she can get this worked out. Maybe some time chatting with Emily would do them both good. Looks like we men might need to exit the premises after we finish dinner.

  I let Hadley out of my embrace and turn her into the counter toward the plates and food. I reach around from behind her with my front pressed up to her back, pointing her body to the countertop to take in the wide assortment of Thai dishes. She puts her hand over mouth and I can feel that she is holding her breath. I know she likes Thai food because we've ordered it before.

  I start to grab a plate and fill it for her. "I'll feed you, baby. You skipped lunch; you've got to be hungry."

  She stiffened and rushed under my arm that was holding the plate I was dishing for her and then she hurls in the sink. Obviously, she's not feeling well.

  When she was finished throwing up, Emily came over with a warm rag to give Hadley to wipe her face down and she said, "Thanks Em. I didn't even see that you were here. I'm sorry."

  That's my girl, throwing up and then apologizing for it.

  I took Hadley to the bedroom with a glass of warm tea that Cody made for her, which said to me that Cody approves of and cares for my wife, which means a lot to me. They are two of my most important people, along with my sister, but I am stilling getting to know her, too. Actually, they are really my only "people."

  Mags hadn't even met Hadley before the day of the wedding. Mags and Shilo were a little suspicious when they found out that not only was I with someone one but that I married her in about two weeks. Mags was convinced I was just marrying her because I got her pregnant or something.

  I would be fine with that, but Hadley wants to wait a little while so she has time to "plan accordingly." She is a planner and this one is important to her. When she sets her mind to something she follows a strict regimen and only adjusts to steer closer to her goal and avoid obstacles. However, having a baby with her will be a trip. She is a lot like my mom and I know she will be the best mother I could ask for my children to have. Speaking of which, I should ask Hadley about the appointment and the birth control situation, so I know if I still have to pull out.

  However the scene at the sink reminds me that conversation can wait because I doubt there is any way I am getting laid tonight.

  I decide it might be good for Emily to come in to visit her for a little while, and I can take Cody out for a beer at Jake's to give them an hour or so to catch up. There might even be a game on. Emily seemed pretty intent on seeing and having a chance to talk to Hadley. I go out to get Hadley her Wonder Woman slippers from by the couch in the living room. On my way by, I look into the kitchen. I see that Cody has Emily pinned to the sliding glass door from the outside. She has her back pressed to it. He kissing her… she is definitely kissing him back.

  Huh. Maybe I will stay out of that one. I just hope she knows what she is getting herself into with Cody. He is not really relationship material, and Emily strikes me as that type and very deserving of a type of guy with the same ideals on that.

  Chapter TWENTY TWO

  I Suck At Pulling Out

  Hadley-

  He walked out of the bedroom in search of my slippers. When he put me in bed and stripped me down to my delicates, he noticed my toes were cold. I should still be upset or at least a little taken aback by the puking; however, all I can think about is his beautiful body as he walks away from me.

  I decide that taking a bath is probably my best move to try and restore my resolve and get my sense of calm back.

  When Tralen comes back into the room a few minutes later with my slippers in tow, laughing at something funny, I am curious about what has him so tickled. "What's so funny?"

  "My little brother Rico Suave down there."

  "With Emily? I know she likes the band and their music; maybe they were discussing that kind of stuff."

  "Uh Babe, he was about to play her strings and it was clear she liked something of his, but I didn't stick around to find out what it was exactly."

  "She's a virgin. I hope he is gentle," I say as I step into the bath.

  When I look up at Tralen he is admiring my body as I slide into the tub.

  As he starts to strip down, I want to tell him to enjoy it while he can because pretty soon my body will be taken over and I will be the only one that can fit in this tub.

  I had briefly forgotten about the situation when Tralen showed me his naked form as he climbed in and sat behind me, pulling me to his chest. Then kissing a few soft kisses on my neck down toward my shoulder, he squeezed them. Then he grabbed one of my hands and lifted it, extending forward as he started rubbing my arms with Shea butter and coconut sugar scrub. His hands on me and the warmth of him behind me sends shockwaves from my arms all the way down to my fingers and toes.

  I remain quiet in thought.

  As he continues his sensual compressions on my hands, he says, "You feeling better, Baby?"

  "Yeah, I am just hungry."

  "Hungry? You just lost it in the sink. Are sure you want to try to eat again? What did they say at your appointment today?" he asks in a concerned, questioning voice.

  Then I remember what the doctor said about the vitamins and taking them with food or I could feel nauseous. There was also the fact that I hadn't eaten but I had made two stops at Starbuck's today for Venti Caramel Machiatto's! What did I expect?

  I hate keeping this from him. I want to tell be able to share this moment with him and feel all of these new uncertainties together. as parents should.

  I am robbing him of this moment. I should be happy and celebrating the news with him. Instead. my guilt is mounting and I can't take it any longer. This can't be good for the baby.

  When we survived the attack and we were playing cards at the table in his hospital room a couple of days after he woke up. An old country song came on his iPod, Keith Whitley's "When you say nothing at all" and he grabbed my hand and started to dance with me in his hospital gown. As he swept me slowly around his respiratory pump stand I told him that now that he was off the painkillers if he wanted to rescind his proposal I would let him out of it. All he said was, "No way, Hadley-Made, you were made for me. God hand-made you just for me. I know I will never love another the way I love you and I know I can trust you to always show me truth and be honest with me. I want you now and always."

  Clutching on to that memory, I resign to my fate as I say, "Tralen, I'm pregnant"

  Tralen-

  HOLY SHIT. Did she just say what I think she said? I knew I sucked at pulling out. It is harder than it looks.

  She is pregnant with my baby. I am floating right now, and I am trying to get the new
s to sink in. There is a buzzing in my ears and my body feels like it is chilled in the warm water of the bath.

  I pull her to my body and she is sobbing against me.

  Oh no, it was not part of her master plan. That can't be it. She wouldn't cry about that; she would just adjust her stride. Unless this is more of a hormone kind of thing. I hope she doesn't think I don't want the baby because I haven't said anything. She has probably been worried about my reaction or the all the complexities this adds to the equation. She likes to plan and be in control, especially of the big things. This is pretty big.

  I am not sure what it is, but I am going to make sure she knows how much I want her and this baby and any that follow forever. I try a joke to get her lighten up. "Is it mine?"

  She bolts out of my grip and into a towel as she tries to calm her breathing and gain some control. I am starting to get nervous. Is she freaking out about being a good mom? Is it hormones or something?

  I climb out of tub and wrap my waist in a towel. When I walk into the bedroom she is under the blankets hugging a pillow and heaving gasps into it. I just curl around her and hold her until she gets it out.

  Finally she gains enough composure to answer my bad joke with a not so funny answer. "I hope so, Tralen. God, I hope so."